Category Archives: Satire

People’s Cube: Islamic State Unveils Doomsday Weapon (satire, I think)

Confirming the suspicions of the world’s intelligence community, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) announced today that it had completed work on a doomsday weapon capable of destroying the world. Revealing the weapon on the ISIS Twitter feed, the terrorist group included a picture of what appeared to be a makeshift coal-fired power plant…

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People’s Cube:Anti-terror posters deemed ‘unsafe’ for the Jihad on campus (satire)

These posters and stickers were plastered all over five major American campuses in the second week of November – two universities in D.C. and three in Southern California – making fun of local anti-Israel groups, Students for Ju stice in Palestine (SJP) and Muslim Students Association (MSA), pointing out their support for Jew-hatred and violent jihad…

Campus_posters_MSA_SJP_600

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New Snowden Revelation: Auto Correct ‘Fail’ Results in Horrific CIA Waterboarding Mishap

Yemen-and-Text-750x400[1]

An artist’s rendering of a recreation of the described communication error

YEMEN — In an Edward Snowden file recently decrypted by China, secret documents reveal that CIA agents accidentally waterboarded a pair of terror suspects in human semen, intelligence sources say. The agents’ transcribed depositions were included in the file.

“The text message actually said ‘Waterboard the suspects in semen,’ not ‘Yemen,’” confessed Special Agent “Black.” “Give us some credit: we did still conduct the semen waterboardings in Yemen, which is what the boss was trying to say. That’s technically a win.”

The entire mission was nearly derailed by bad iPhone instructions.

“We almost didn’t catch the right guys, either. We were scouring the airport for a duo travelling from London with lesbian ass parts,” said Special Agent “Blue.” Black and Blue requested anonymity.

“They already briefed us about the Lebanese passports the day before,” said Black. “I guess when we saw the autocorrected instructions we just got caught up in wishful thinking. Stupid Siri.”

The agents quickly apprehended their targets after they received improved descriptions of the suspects.

“Texting is the easiest way to update agents,” Blue texted Duffel Blog from a disposable cell phone when reached for comment. “When it comes to transcribing, problems cum with the tertiary. After the interrogation, we had to kill the terrorists, but that part made us feel better. Like the boss is always texting us: Slaughter is the best medicine.”

HT/ The DuffleBlog

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FIFA: Israelis Forced To Continue Playing, Watching Football – satire

unnamed-5Tel Aviv, June 4 – Palestinian withdrawal last week of a FIFA resolution to expel Israel from membership in the international organization means Israelis will continue to face the horrors associated with participating in and observing international soccer competitions…

…“Diplomatically and politically Israel got some breathing room, though it appears the resolution as originally worded wouldn’t have garnered enough votes to be adopted,” said M. Bezzler, who writes about FIFA.

“But that tactical achievement – I hesitate to call it a victory – comes at a tremendous emotional and psychological cost. I don’t just mean the crushing frustration of watching a club with which one identifies perpetually underachieve, or fail to maintain consistent success – or just plain suck, both on the pitch and in the stands, in the case of Beitar Jerusalem”…

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Pallywood Executives Mull Reboot Of Blood Libel Franchise – satire

A number of indie – short for indifada – studios specialize in adapting the blood libel cachet to current goings-on

unnamed-5Pallywood, June 2 – Studio executives in this field know an international sensation when they see one, often before most others do.

That ability is what gives an edge in the media production industry, where the right staging, editing, and cropping of videos can make the difference between a compelling indictment of Israeli policies and just another pathetic attempt to slander the IDF.

Increasingly, rather than pursue new formulas and ideas, those executives are relying on old standbys that have proven ability to generate the right reaction. Chief among those is the classic blood libel, in which Jews are accused of murdering non-Jewish children for the ritual use of blood.

Franchise reboots of this sort play on both nostalgia and excitement for a new take on a familiar theme.

While the strictest form of the blood libel – Jews kneading the blood of a murdered non-Jewish child into their Passover matza – remains popular in much of the Muslim world, in Pallywood executives see greater potential in interpreting “Jews” as the State of Israel, and in replacing blood in matza with more up-to-date forms of exploitation such as organ harvesting.

Thus they aim to tap into a growing market of anti-Israel sentiment in the Middle East, Europe, the Americas, and wherever anyone seeks a reason to hate Jews…


Only slightly exaggerated.

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Bibi’s Response To Rockets Not Halfhearted Enough – satire

Tel Aviv, May 27 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog laced into Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu late Tuesday, saying the premier’s muted response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip was not nearly as lackluster as the situation demanded, and that as prime minister, he would demonstrate a more robustly inadequate answer to the provocation.

Several rockets launched from the Gaza Strip struck rural area of southern Israel Tuesday night, causing no casualties or damage. The Islamic Jihad organization claimed responsibility for the barrage, and experts believe the group seeks to flex its muscles in the aftermath of Iran cutting off funding to the organization, in the hope of burnishing its anti-Israel credentials and attracting popular support that translates into material support from abroad…

…”Bibi has once again shown why he is ill-equipped to be properly ill-equipped to lead,” said Herzog. “A weak, simpering reaction is hardly convincing when it comes from a decorated Special Forces soldier with a deep voice. What this nation needs is a person who projects the manner and voice of a genuine weakling, someone who lacks confidence even in his own vocal cords – in other words, someone like me”…


Note: The part about the rockets is not satire: read about it here.

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People’s Cube: Ban trees: sperm-spewing phallic symbols of male oppression – satire

A modest proposal to President Barack Hussein Obama, Father of Nations, Turner of Ocean Tides, Brilliant Genius of Humanity, Restorer of Science, Great Architect of the Greatest Economic Recovery and Gardener of Human Happiness.

Dear Leader,

I humbly write today to denounce subversive and counter-revolutionary activities of certain botanical bullies, which you may know as “trees.”

Each spring they discharge their filthy male gametes in the form of pollen all of the property of the Collective, most notably, the People™, thus exemplifying reactionary biological functions, promoting male chauvinism, furthering the relentless Republican War on Women, and sabotaging the glorious economic recovery of your making.

As such, in all justice and right reason, “trees” ought to be banned by law or executive order, in the anticipation of the Glorious World of Next Tuesday™…

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Shipboard Rats Hire MK Tzipi Livni As Consultant – satire

IMG_3723Ashdod, May 12 – Seeking advice more expert than their own knowledge and experience, the rats aboard the container ship ZIM Hamburg have engaged MK Tzipi Livni as a consultant to help them determine the best time to abandon the ship.

The community of rats, numbering in the dozens, has long enjoyed a reputation for a keen sense of knowing when the vessel is doomed. However, in recent months they decided to take extra precautions, and to find a candidate with an even more developed feel for detecting the point beyond which things will only get worse, and that it is therefore time to find an alternative home. Given MK Livni’s extensive experience with that task in the political realm, the rats hired her this week to share her instincts and give them more advance warning of impending doom.

“This is an important move for us,” said rat spokesman Akbar. “A sinking ship is a matter of life and death, and even an extra few moments can make the difference between escaping and being pulled under. Ms. Livni has proved a master at sensing disaster far in advance of our own capabilities, so naturally we invited her on board as a consultant”…

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We Must Disregard Elections In Favor Of Opinion Poll Results – satire

by Ed Miliband and Isaac Herzog

unnamedBoth of our countries witnessed hard-fought national elections this year, elections that featured a striking similarity: in both cases, opinion polls leading up to the voting indicated the results were too close to call, with Labour holding perhaps a slight edge – only to discover on Election Day that the electorate had chosen decisively to elect our chief rivals. The discrepancy between the two sets of figures can mean only one thing: we must do away with voting and use only opinion poll results as our guide.

Our respective parties have already engaged in much of the post-mortem analysis, examining where our campaigns may have gone wrong, and why exactly the people voted against us. Such analysis has its place, but what we and our fellow left-wing politicians must focus on is working to reform the system to reflect what the polls so clearly demonstrated.

Aside from some acquaintances across the parliamentary aisle, neither of us personally knows anyone who would not vote Labour. Small wonder, then, that the election outcomes came as a shock – and a suspicious one, at that.

What thinking person could not see the manifest righteousness of our platform and policies when contrasted with the fear-mongering of our opponents? What rational citizen would knowingly choose a party with policies so flagrantly at odds with all that is good and right?…

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Zionist-Controlled Media Somehow Unable To Control Israel Coverage – satire

“I would never have assumed the Jewish media overlords would permit such things to happen. But here we are,” said UN adviser Richard Falk.

arabicnewspapersNew York, May 7 – Analysts at the United Nations held a meeting today to discuss the curious phenomenon of the Zionist-controlled international media somehow being unable to prevent the media from indulging in nearly continuous criticism of Israel.

A team of experts met at the UN headquarters in New York this morning (Friday) to share information and analysis regarding an industry proven to be thoroughly under the boot of Jewish moguls. Jewish control of the media, which has been documented for more than a century – notably in he groundbreaking Russian work The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion – has been spectacularly unsuccessful at the one task a Jewish-controlled global media should be expected to focus on: silencing exposure and criticism of its flagship enterprise, Zionism. In fact Israel attracts such a disproportionate amount of opprobrium in the Jewish-controlled media that an observer might conclude no such control exists at all.

In fact, say experts, in the Middle East, the one region where the Zionist-controlled global media should be most necessary and effective, there appears to be no effort at all to counter the blatantly anti-Israel, and often antisemitic, tropes that are a staple in Arabic and Farsi media…

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Rabbis: Avoid Gharqad Wood In Lag BaOmer Bonfires – satire

Jerusalem, May 6 – In advance of the minor festival of Lag BaOmer that begins Wednesday night, Israel’s Chief Rabbinate issued a warning not to use the wood of the gharqad bush in the customary bonfires, as the gharqad is needed to protect Jews from righteous Muslims…

…Muslim tradition foretells that at the end of days, when Muslims finally rise up to eliminate the Jews, the latter will hide behind trees and bushes. All but the gharqad will call out to the Muslim pursuers that Jews are hiding behind them, because the gharqad “is the tree of the Jews.” To ensure that such plants remain to hide behind when the time comes, the Rabbinate issued the customary annual instructions that include avoiding the burning of gharqad wood…

3-starrA gharqad tree.

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The Nazis Lost, So Caricaturing Them Is “Punching Down” – satire

By Garry Trudeau, cartoonist

People trying to defend Charlie Hebdo’s artists on free speech grounds might have an argument, but the exercise of free expression carries responsibility. One may not abuse that right just to offend a persecuted minority – which is why I pose the question: with the Nazis out of power and long ago subjected to humiliating defeat, who among us would now exploit that downtrodden Nazi status by caricaturing them? That would be punching down, when satirists must always punch up…

…The next time you see Neo-Nazis or their ilk demonstrating against immigrants, Jews, or some other group, let it go. They’ve suffered humiliating defeat, and we must bite our tongues – and our caricaturists’ pens – before we boorishly and unwisely bash those who do not enjoy the political advantages we take for granted….

…Mockery, as Charlie Hebdo’s treatment of Muslim mores shows, must only be directed at those who wield genuine power. Muslims only control several dozens countries and the bulk of the oil trade, plus all the government-controlled journalism in their societies and ownership of several Western outlets. And the Nazis no longer control a thing. All the more so must we avoid insulting them…

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Area Man Can Prove Jews To Blame For Everything – satire

Dearborn, MI, April 29 – Local hairdresser Malik Hassan regularly wows customers with his uncanny ability to convincingly argue that Jews are behind every negative phenomenon ever documented, Detroit-area sources reported Wednesday.

Mr. Hassan, 28, often regales his clients with feats of logic and analysis involving history, science, current events, politics, and various social issues, always adducing evidence to buttress his thesis that Jews control world affairs, but only in an evil way. The unmarried father of two typically holds forth for about fifteen customers per day at the Saara Salon, whose name involves a play on words that uses a Semitic root that means both “hair” and “storm,” the latter a tribute to the sensibilities of Dearborn automotive hero Henry Ford and his dedication to exploring alleged Jewish conspiracies as often featured in the publication Der Stürmer.

“Malik is a master,” says coworker Ayaan Faridi, 26. “Within three minutes of hearing about the earthquake in Nepal, he’d already put together the pieces and come up with a persuasive line of reasoning as to how the Jews caused the disaster, and how they stand to profit from it. I couldn’t do his argument justice, but his basic point was that you can’t trust those Jews”…

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