My dearest Alexandria,
I love you. I love you platonically, unconditionally, and without reservations. My adoration for you knows no bounds. Alexandria, you are the best thing that’s happened to us since California politicians four times your age discovered Botox.
Back in 2018, you expressed strong opinions about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. From your confused babbling about the “occupation of Palestine” and “two-state solutions,” it was fairly clear that you had no idea who was doing what to whom over there. I knew right there and then that, even though you and I will never meet, our destinies were intertwined.