Mystery deepens over fate of super-secret $1 billion military satellite

Where is Zuma? What is Zuma? What went wrong with Zuma?

The Pentagon is not saying anything about the fate of the military payload, code-named “Zuma,” that was launched this week and may have crashed soon after, and neither is anyone else.

“I would have to refer you to SpaceX, who conducted the launch,” said Dana White, chief Pentagon spokesperson when questioned about the unexplained mystery Thursday, four days after the satellite did or did not go into orbit, or more likely ended up falling back to Earth and plunging into the ocean.

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  • Our first stealth satellite is a resounding success!

    • Watchman

      It’s currently overcoming that initial hit on water, and there have been consequences with subsequent water penetration and sea lice infestation, but SpaceX are confident that one day this satellite will start transmitting from its current location on the sea floor. /sarc

  • The Buddhist Butterfly

    Chinese sabotage? No doubt there are thousands of their foreign agents working for us because diversity = strength.

  • JusticeVegas

    No more money for Elon Musk – the guy is a total fraud!!!! He needs to be put in jail!!

    • Watchman

      He is a very smart man and has been able to build an entire business that exploits government subsidies for profit but also build a few electric cars too.

      • JusticeVegas

        I think his Wall Street masters are giving him a big leash because of the gov’t subsidies. Musk keeps missing on his ecar production targets by 50% or more for the last few quarters. Other companies would have been bankrupt long ago.

  • ontario john

    I blame Trump, Harper, global warming and of course the Jews.

  • Maurice Miner

    No mystery at all – it’s successfully in Geo-stationary orbit directly over Pyongyang, and is currently being calibrated.

  • Kaedwon
  • Thinking From First Principles

    The Pentagon is awaiting a ransom demand from Bloefeld and SPECTRE …

  • clownloach

    We may find out one day that weapons are being sold off planet to non terrestrials . Earth is obviously some sort of farm harvesting all sorts of products, like animal products….perhaps.

  • Norman_In_New_York

    Zuma is the president of South Africa.

  • Brett_McS

    I watched the launch live (just happened to get the notification at a reasonable hour for a change) and it seemed to go well for the first stage (which returned and landed). In the case of military satellites they don’t show video from the second stage so the problem was either with the second stage or with the satellite itself (which has its own thrusters to manoeuvre itself into the correct orbit).

  • Mark Matis

    What if the spacecraft wasn’t actually “Zuma” but was instead “Zima”:
    https://www.millercoors.com/News-Center/Latest-News/zima-is-back-you-in-or-what-0
    and they’ll announce that it really did reach orbit during the “Super” Bowel?