In the ‘Australian Financial Review’ Rowan Dean, Satirist, Discusses A Mysterious Mental Illness That Appears Now to Be Pandemic
Note the article is reprinted below in full below. h/t XB
“The Mysterious Epidemic of Psychiatric Illness”.
‘The world of mental health and wellbeing has been rocked to its core by a bizarre global outbreak of inexplicable nervous breakdowns.
‘Researchers are struggling to find a common cause or factor that may link or in some way help explain what is behind this mysterious epidemic of mental, or psychiatric, illnesses. Thus far experts remain baffled as to any similarities between the cases, which to date have been reported with their own specific medical terminology.
‘In this disturbing case, a young man from an ethnically-diverse and culturally-rich background, that coincidentally has strong traditional taboos against such modern practices as man on man copulation or woman on woman coupling, and yet who exhibited no previous symptoms of any mental disorder whatsoever, mysteriously suffered an acute breakdown of his nervous system (or, homophobicus orlanditis), when he found himself inexplicably confronted by a tutu-wearing group of cavorting drag queens in a “gays only” nightclub in an American tourist resort. Symptoms of the mysterious breakdown included loudly and repetitively shouting out guttural slogans with strong flat vowel sounds, whilst expressing his neurological disturbances via the means of shooting everybody dead. Diagnosis: Unknown mental illness.
“In this extremely rare case, a young man and his associate, both from ethnically-diverse and culturally-rich heritages that coincidentally hold strong traditional taboos against the faith-expression practices of so-called “non-believers” and yet who exhibited no previous symptoms of any mental disorders mysteriously suffered an acute and simultaneous breakdown of their nervous systems (suspected catholicus intoleranza) when they found themselves accidentally confronted by one old priest and two nuns swinging a bowl of incense in front of their faces in a French medieval town.
“Symptoms of this unusual twinned nervous breakdown include both indivdiuals simultaneously breaking into guttural verbal manifestations with unusual linguistic quirks whilst displaying signs of acute psychological disturbances via the means of slitting the priest’s throat. Diagnosis: unknown mental illness.
“In this recent case, a young man from an ethnically-diverse and culturally-rich background, which coincidentally has strong ritualised practices of encouraging females to behave as “personal property” and dress in large black traditional coverings (or “sacks”) and yet who exhibited no recognisable symptoms of mental disorder whatsoever oddly suffered an acute breakdown of his entire nervous system (common-or-garden backpackeritis stabbata) when he found himself confronted by a young girl heading off to the beach in a tee-shirt and denim shorts.
“Symptoms of the mysterious breakdown included an inability to express his pain via any means other than verbal excretions of repetitive foreign-sounding two-word phrases whilst his mental anxieties manifested themselves via the means of stabbing her to death. Diagnosis: Unknown mental illness.
“First detected on New Year’s Eve in a northern German town when a series of young men across a wide demographic sphere drawn from a multitude of diverse and ethnically-rich backgrounds (i.e. no discernible commonality) many of which coincidentally hold strong traditional cultural mores on the appropriate behaviour of young women inexplicably found themselves unable to control normal motor functions and muscle control in a crowded situation (extreme Colognosis gropitis).
“Symptoms of the mysterious mass nervous disorders nclude reflex thrusting of hands (for warmth, perhaps?) down the pants and up the skirts of any female they happen to encounter. Diagnosis: Unknown mass mental illness.
“In this unprecedented case, a yoiung man from an ethnically-diverse and culturally-rich background that coincidentally has strong traditional taboos against such chronically disturbing practices as being Jewish and proud of it, and yet who exhibited no previous symptoms of mental disorders whatsoever, mysteriously suffered a breakdown of his nervous system (or, acute Yehudinis mortis) when he found himself unfairly confronted by a man in a black hat with curly black bits of hair hanging down the side.
“Symptoms of the patient’s complete psychological breakdown included loudly and repetitively shouting out incomprehensible phrasings whilst expressing his neurological disturbances via the means of chopping the man to death with a machete. Diagnosis: Unknown mental illness.
I am not sure exactly which of many murderous Muslim attacks on Jews Mr Dean is here satirising. If he is referring to a recent Muslim attack upon a Jewish teacher in Marseilles he should have written “via the means of attempting to chop the man to death with a machete”; because although it’s very clear the Muslim intended to murder his victim he did not in fact succeed. – CM
“In this unusual case a man from a cuturally-rich background that coincidentally has strong traditional taboos against drinking hot chocolate on the way to work (sic: this is the only clause in Mr Dean’s entire essay with which one might take issue; so far as I know the sharia has not got around to a ban on hot chocolate – CM) and yet who exhibited no previous symptoms of mental disorders whatsoever, apart from murdering his wife and sending abusive letters to dead soldiers (sic: more properly, “to the grieving families of dead soldiers” – CM) mysteriously suffered a nervous breakdown (or hostagitis chocolatitis) when he found himself alone in a Sydney cafe with 18 hostages and a gun.
“Symptoms of the patient’s psychological disorder manifested themselves in the ritual holding up of a black flag in the window. Diagnosis: Unknown mental illness.
“Treatment: Ignore hostages and concentrate on preventing non-existent imaginary backlash against people of diverse cultural backgrounds”.