What it takes to join the Islamic State

Shouting “Allahu Akbar” (“God is Great”) is not the only requirement a mujahid (fighter) has to fulfill to be inducted into the Islamic State (IS). He is subjected to a systematic intellectual information based on books, publications and fatwas, accompanied by military training — including physical training and training on the use of different types of weapons. Subsequent to this and an assessment stage, the mujahid will be assigned to the appropriate position to serve IS.

  • Norman_In_New_York

    You mean he doesn’t take a blood oath?

  • Everyone Else

    I thought they had to say “Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice”.

    • dance…dancetotheradio

      I lost interest in Michael Keaton after Johnny Dangerously.

  • krystallnacht

    The job application is in hebrew but a mosad agent will be there to help you through it

  • DVult

    Not good enough to be a normal human being. Not evil enough to join ISIS. What to do?

    • dance…dancetotheradio

      Whaddya mean not good enough to be normal?
      I’m wrestling with a nicotine addiction that is compelling me like the power of Christ to just at least go and sniff savour one.
      It’s not there, really.
      It’s a fucking mirage.

      • DVult

        Buck up. The cravings start to go away after 20 years or so.

        • dance…dancetotheradio

          I’d sooner move back to Saskatoon than wait twenty years.

          • DVult

            I’m not sure that would help. The cravings actually decrease significantly after a week or ten days. I used to have a slight craving for a cigarette at decreasing intervals for 15-20 years and smoking anxiety dreams every once in a while but nothing much after 20 years. A substitute activity like chewing gum also helps.

          • dance…dancetotheradio

            I have been using candy.
            The dollar store is great for that.
            English mints, scotch mints, gobstoppers, twizzlers, nibs, and brand x peanuts are good.
            One of the most satisfying things is that my kids no longer ask me for smokes.

          • DVult

            I always said one of the smartest things I ever did was quit smoking. Of course one of the dumbest things was starting in the first place.

          • dance…dancetotheradio

            Well, I really loved smoking.
            And I have noticed some health benefits aside the crazy bloody gums this time instead of the monster canker sores from previous quits.
            The main thing here is the money.
            And the hypocrisy of government.
            They discourage smoking by taxing cigarettes and hook themselves on the tobacco revenue.
            Pack a day at fourteen bucks a pack for a year is $5110.
            I get 66 cents on the dollar on my paycheque.
            I just gave myself a $7742 raise.
            And the government gets none of it.
            They are going to have to find a way to replace the $3650 of after tax revenue they got from me.