Delingpole: Music is sexist. This caring five-point plan will eradicate rock’s gender bias

The guitar is an inherently sexist musical instrument, especially the electric version with its nasty, cutty, thin metaljosie-pussycats[1] strings which can really hurt delicate female hands – not to mention long nails – which will already have been softened by regular dishwashing. You only have to see the way male rock stars wield their “axes” to realise that they see it as little more than a glorified penile extension. This discriminates against women guitarists who, not ever having owned a penis themselves, look slightly uncomfortable holding what is essentially no more than the musical equivalent of a strap-on.

Furthermore male guitarists start with a distinct advantage over women. For many years – and with huge regularity during adolescence – they have accumulated great dexterity running their hands up and down their personal pink “fretboard.” So after that, guitar playing comes naturally. Only a handful of women – Courtney Love, comes to mind – have accumulated sufficient experience in this regard to compete on a level playing field.

This is why, in the interest of equality, we propose that guitars be replaced by an instrument more in keeping with female anatomy and aptitude: the triangle. TING!

  • True confessions: I always had a thing for Josie.

    • dance…dancetotheradio

      I always though Velma had nicer tits than Daphne.

      • Sexist!

        • dance…dancetotheradio

          I am what I am.

          • Justin St.Denis

            So many of us are so blighted. Oh, the shame (not!)

      • Nice tits?

        Where?

        • dance…dancetotheradio

          You’re on the internet, man.
          I’m sure you can find them.

    • Clausewitz

      Who didn’t. Even the live action movie Josie was hot.

  • mauser 98

    …eeeeeek

    “Yoko Ono, who despite being at least the equal in her own special way
    of her former partner John Lennon, has often found her work snubbed by
    an industry cruelly and sexistly obsessed with patriarchal nonsense like
    sales and favourable reviews.”

    i want 10 lbs. of what this whack has

    • dance…dancetotheradio

      First, favourable reviews are irrelevant to good music.
      Critics are fan boys with an axe to grind.
      Second, you wouldn’t need ten pund. A wee gram wud doo.

      • mauser 98

        sorta like movie critics

      • Justin St.Denis

        So true. Ever try to read Rolling Stone back in the day? I used to suppress the urge to take out a red pen and edit everything, for one thing. Next, the reviews were virtually meaningless. I mean, “surrender yourself to the void” meaningless! I gave up on reviews before I outgrew Men’s Size Small.

        • dance…dancetotheradio

          Yeah, Rolling Stone became irrelevant to me because they consistently championed all of the music that I hated.
          So, I turned to the English music press and found a wonderful snake pit.

  • Norman_In_New_York

    If rock is sexist, what does that say about rap and hip hop?

    • Justin St.Denis

      Of course rock is sexist. Actually, all the very best rock is really, really sexist.

      Rap and HipHop are unintelligible to me as well as unlistenable. I understand it features a lot of sexist and racist terminology. It promotes violence and hatred and killing police and taking drugs and pulling birds and fighting and crying and yelling and screaming. So, no, I can’t really say I have an opinion on that one.

    • Raymond Hietapakka

      “I want to learn enough to play to get laid.”

  • Martin B

    Did someone say women and guitars? Here’s Tanya Song:

  • warrenzoell

    I think this is what they were talking about. LOL!!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qDgCmzh5ao

    • dance…dancetotheradio

      Best line ever: ‘How could I leave this behind?’

      • Justin St.Denis

        Not terribly sexist at all!

    • Classic.

  • warrenzoell

    And what of the Lute? The Bassoon? The Hurdy Gurdy? The Bass Clarinet?
    And dare I say the Crumhorn?
    If instruments were shaped like a vagina they wouldn’t play.
    I mean what’s with all this Rackett?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGI4zG-Zddw

  • Xavier

    …we propose that guitars be replaced by an instrument more in keeping with female anatomy and aptitude: the triangle. TING!

    What about letting the ladies play kazoos?

  • Waffle

    Somebody better tell these girls before they reach puberty:

    https://youtu.be/7XLJ1TkwMKY

  • Raymond Hietapakka

    No mention of the skinflute or bone-o-phone.

    • Xavier

      I was hoping to make that connection with my kazoo reference but was too oblique. Robert Fripp said it best: “Rock and roll is about fucking”.

    • Justin St.Denis

      I thought those thoughts.

  • Tom Forsythe

    Most guys who learn rock music do it to get chicks. The same is true of most girls who learn rock music.

    • Clausewitz

      I started the cello at age 8. I started guitar at age 10 when I found out the girl I had a crush on liked the Beatles.

    • dance…dancetotheradio

      That explains Joan Jett.
      Now get her off the radio.
      I Love Myself Today is the most inane song ever and does not belong on classic rock radio.

    • canminuteman

      It’s “money for nothing and your chicks for free!”
      and “forget all about that macho shit and learn how to play guitar!”

  • Tom Forsythe

    If you play one instrument, you get chicks. If you play seven, you have Asperger’s Syndrome.

    • Clausewitz

      Hey, hey…..

    • dance…dancetotheradio

      Highest exemplar of your thesis:

    • canminuteman

      The dude formerly known as Prince could play anything, and he certainly got the chicks!