Masturbating men ‘will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife,’ says Muslim televangelist

After claiming that a man would meet his masturbating hand “pregnant in the afterlife” and “asking for its rights,” a Muslim televangelist has set Turkish social media aflame.

Self-styled televangelist Mücahid Cihad Han dived into some delicate matters on May 24 when he answered his viewers’ questions on private television station 2000 TV, Turkish media has reported. Han initially looked puzzled when a viewer said he “kept masturbating, although he was married, and even during the Umrah,” a pilgrimage to Mecca performed by Muslims which can be undertaken at any time of the year, in contrast to the Hajj.

After repeating the question a few times, Han claimed that Islam strictly prohibits masturbation as a “haram” (forbidden) act. “Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” he said, referring to what he claimed to be a saying of Prophet Muhammad…

  • Islam – always good for a laugh.

    • Icebow

      In a Strangelove kind of way.

    • Surele Surele

      Will they have little baby hands?

      • Justin St.Denis

        With two tiny little blinking eyes in each palm?

  • Rosenmops

    His funny hat is too tight.

    • Frau Katze

      All round kook!

      • Icebow

        There is or was a Canadian named Wanka.

  • Dana Garcia

    Good grief — what an image. Far creepier than a furry palm.

    Muzholians certainly are weenie-obsessed sickos.

  • Clink9

    What about the goat children?

    • Justin St.Denis

      Looks like half the boys in Toronto highschools.

  • k1962

    They’re so stupid.

  • Martin B

    I’m sure that masturbating over slaughtered infidels is halal.

  • ontario john

    How do you screw a goat with pregnant hands?

    • Justin St.Denis

      Goats have hooves, you big silly! So the question becomes “How do you screw a goat with pregnant hooves?” Which begs the question “Why would you want to screw a goat with pregnant hooves?” Masturbating muslim goats with pregnant hooves should be left to gestate until they spill out little hoofies by the hundreds! There aren’t enough muslim hoofies around. I hear they roast up great with potatoes.

  • Norman_In_New_York

    And Muslim bigshots demand that we take their faith seriously.

  • J. C.

    Killing people who are that f*cking stupid would be a merciful act, IMO…

  • truthdareisay

    A pregnant hand? Always good in a poker game!

    • mobuyus

      Would you want some guy dealing you a hand who is an expert in the five knuckle shuffle?

    • Justin St.Denis

      The air was pregnant with silence; his pregnant hands rested in his lap. His pregnant wife said: “I wish I wasn’t pregnant.” He looked up, raised his pregnant left hand and said, “Stop! You remind me of a pregnant reptilian overlord. New hair-do?” There was a pregnant pause. Then her water broke………

  • Ron MacDonald

    The average imam probably hasn’t better than a grade 7 education.

    • Justin St.Denis

      Though with a major in Masturbation, apparently.

  • Uncle_Waspy

    What a screwy religion! So let’s get this straight….

    Decapitating infidels = OK
    Raping infidel whores = OK
    Tossing gays off tall buildings = OK
    Child sex = OK

    Flogging the bishop = One way ticket to hell

    • Justin St.Denis

      Strangling the chicken = Hell
      Spanking the monkey = Hell

      Not only are there no jokes in islam, but all muslim males go to Hell, too. What’s not to love?

  • DMB

    I thought masturbation was Halal! After all the Muslim “prophet” was the greatest porn star that had ever lived! LOL 😀 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XUVRmqwf8U

    • Xavier

      And what was Bin Laden doing with all that porn?

      • Justin St.Denis

        I remember reading somewhere that bin Laden was hung like a pimple. Might explain a lot.

  • Allan

    Instead of posting in “Islam” shouldn’t the name be “Batshit crazy Islam”?

  • MarcusWoodson

    If that’s the case I’m having triplets

  • Minicapt

    If you can’t be handsome, be handy.

    Cheers

  • Tanya

    WTF? This guy is a complete and utter moron!

    • Justin St.Denis

      But a moron with allegedly virgin hands. Be fair! In a universe of pregnant palms, don’t you think somebody with virgin hands should be listened to?

  • Surele Surele

    What if the wore gloves?

  • bob e

    what about girls wigglin’ their wicks .. they that have not
    had their bits off hacked by the juju men .. ??

  • Shebel

    Why masturbate when you can jack your self of by rubbing against the thighs of a 6 year old—just like Muhummad.