James Delingpole: Here is a quick reference guide to the political types voting in the general election

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SNP

You are: Scottish; angry; Scottish; a Scottish Islamist entryist

You believe/ believe in: the Saltire; caltrops; persistent spiders; woad; appalling beer; that the problem with fascism – sorry slip of the tongue there, meant communism – is that it has never properly been tried; that by destroying the landscape with wind farms you’ll drive last of the English settlers out; free further education and free healthcare all paid for by the English; using the phrase “Westminster government” and “privatised NHS” at every opportunity, as a substitute for coherent argument; keeping sterling after (inevitable) independence and using it much as the Greeks did the Euro; that an economy almost entirely dependent on London-funded welfare and wind farm subsidies will suddenly thrive after independence; the cheque’s in the post; deep fried pizza.

Favourite books: Mein Kampf; Trainspotting;

Favourite albums: Big Country; Texas; Arab Strap; Mogwai; Bay City Rollers; Rod Stewart

Favourite films: Trainspotting; Braveheart; Ring of Bright Water (especially when the honest, exploited Scottish labourer bludgeons the wee Sassenach otter)

You shop at: the nearest food bank

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