The Highly Baffling Mystery of the Garland Shootings

News story excerpt:

Garland Police Department spokesman Joe Harn said there had been no credible threats in advance, and it was not immediately clear if the shootings were related to the event…

I applaud Mr. Harn’s open-mindedness and unwillingness to rush to judgment. After all, there are so many other obvious reasons two men might be inspired to attack this event. Here are my top ten theories:

1) They were sore that Pamela unfriended them on Facebook.

2) That’ll show Geert that you can’t go through the express lane with more than 20 items in Texas!

3) They told Geller to stop playing “Hotel California,” but would she listen?

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