Area Man Can Prove Jews To Blame For Everything – satire

Dearborn, MI, April 29 – Local hairdresser Malik Hassan regularly wows customers with his uncanny ability to convincingly argue that Jews are behind every negative phenomenon ever documented, Detroit-area sources reported Wednesday.

Mr. Hassan, 28, often regales his clients with feats of logic and analysis involving history, science, current events, politics, and various social issues, always adducing evidence to buttress his thesis that Jews control world affairs, but only in an evil way. The unmarried father of two typically holds forth for about fifteen customers per day at the Saara Salon, whose name involves a play on words that uses a Semitic root that means both “hair” and “storm,” the latter a tribute to the sensibilities of Dearborn automotive hero Henry Ford and his dedication to exploring alleged Jewish conspiracies as often featured in the publication Der Stürmer.

“Malik is a master,” says coworker Ayaan Faridi, 26. “Within three minutes of hearing about the earthquake in Nepal, he’d already put together the pieces and come up with a persuasive line of reasoning as to how the Jews caused the disaster, and how they stand to profit from it. I couldn’t do his argument justice, but his basic point was that you can’t trust those Jews”…

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  • dance…dancetotheradio

    ‘The unmarried father of two’
    That’s all I need to know.

  • Jan Morrissy

    This was my first laugh of the day (been a long day 🙂
    “Within three minutes of hearing about the earthquake in Nepal, he’d already put together the pieces and come up with a persuasive line of reasoning as to how the Jews caused the disaster, and how they stand to profit from it.”LOLz

    • dance…dancetotheradio

      It’s like anti-Semitic Tourette’s.
      Pork and Beans!

  • Justin St.Denis

    When I was in college, a few of my buddies and I developed this (faux) theory which we would lay on people (read : girls) to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. In hindsight, it was kind of cruel in that the stupid did not come out looking good.

    The Theory of It All Comes Down To How Much Peanut Butter You Eat tied academic performance to peanut butter consumption levels. One buddy was studying statistics and came up with incredible faux spreadsheets of faux data. It was exhilarating and beautiful. I wrote the psychological framework tying the low-cost high-protein content of peanut butter to higher brain function. I had a really cool set of slides that went along with this crap, too! Again, my stats buddy’s hand was turned to creative ends.

    And on and on. We all (six or so) had our science specialty areas, and a “spiel” about the importance of peanut butter. If a person (usually a pretty girl) fell for it and indicated that she took us SERIOUSLY, we thanked her solemnly for her support and discretion. After her departure, she was labelled “stupid” and never invited to any of our parties again.

    We called out parties Peanut Butter Socials, and absolutely no peanut butter was served at these events. But there were OTHER kinds of cookie there for people to enjoy. 😉

    Stupid stuff kids do to fill in time between classes…

    • Frau Katze

      LOL!

      • Justin St.Denis

        Danke, mein frau! 😉

        • dukestreet

          Were you in engineering by chance?
          Sounds like the kind of stuff they used to pull along with putting volkswagen beetles on the roof of the library.

          • Justin St.Denis

            Not engineering. Math. At the time.