Iran intel: ‘No $^#ing clue what’s up with Israel today’

Iran’s intelligence chief on an espionage mission in Israel.

Iran’s vaunted intelligence services were thrown into a panic Sunday when they witnessed widespread behavior in Israel they simply couldn’t account for.

“We have satellite footage of a pregnant John Kerry drinking with Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” deputy IRGC intelligence chief Sari Seiha-Melech told FARCE news agency. “Literally none of our models predicted this.”

“And we have multiple reports of slutty Yair Lapids staggering through Tel Aviv’s streets holding hands with French maids. We can’t account for this development.”

Frustration boiled over at Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s weekly intelligence briefing, when a seasoned intelligence chief told the supreme leader, “Screw this. We’ve got nothing.”