Steven Harper reaches out to alienated voters – Text of speech at CPC convention

My fellow Canadians as our latest telephone fundraising efforts have indicated we need your donations to counter the enormous amount of negative media attention currently focussed on our government, our party and especially my leadership.  I see it as my duty to mend fences and build bridges so that all Canadians except for the losers who actually voted for me have their interests listened to and acted upon by our government. Allow me to elaborate.

Contrary to allegations that we are “fiscal conservatives”, whatever that is,  I have increased funding to the CBC and I also assure the arts community that we will continue to dole out taxpayer money for whatever ludicrous whim they may have, including flying bananas.  Public service unions also have nothing to fear as noted by the bloated layers of useless  bureaucracy added during my tenure as Prime Minister.

With regard to foreign affairs it is now time for Canada to assume a larger role on the world stage. That’s why our forces are aiding al Queda in toppling Moummar Gaddafi. This will no doubt facilitate a killing fields type bloodbath like that anticipated in Afghanistan once we end our tenure there.  How’s that for punching above our weight naysayers? Furthermore my government is also funding Canada’s Sea Hitler Gaza Boat under the auspices of CIDA. The government will continue to talk out of both sides of my mouth when it comes to our unwavering stance on Israel. Also allow me to assure you all that Canada will remain committed to squandering millions of dollars per year in foreign aid to Muslim nations so they may carry on murdering Christians with wild abandon. These and other foreign policy initiatives will be my legacy to all of you.

The per vote taxpayer subsidy of political parties is a thing of the past, supplanted by vote buying slush funds such as the Security Infrastucture Program that enable us to fund Mouammar Gadaffi’s business partners and engage in similar bizarre acts of ethnic outreach that would put even the Liberal Party to shame proving that conservative values are Canadian values are whatever we say they are.

As promised we will get tough on crime and pass into legislation our Omnibus Crime Bill and if any of you pissant party members complain you’ll find your internet accounts subject to warrantless police investigations and just for good measure we’ll have the CHRC launch a Section 13 complaint against you. I mean come on, you didn’t really think I’d act on the last convention’s recommendation to rid the human rights act of Section 13 (1) did you? Idiots.

Now I want you all to continue fawning over our new kitten while I go about the business of government. Good Day.

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