MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 04:  People take part in an anti-austerity protest during the first day of the Conservative Party Autumn Conference 2015 on October 4, 2015 in Manchester, England. Up to 80,000 people are expected to attend a demonstration today organised by the TUC and anti-austerity protesters. Conservative Party members are in Manchester for its first conference as a party in a majority government since 1996.  (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

Spittle is the only thing Labour has left

I have started salivating excessively at night. I wake each morning in a pillowed swamp of my own effluvium, a noisome pond which is — I suspect — redolent of rapidly approaching death. I have done the hypochondriac thing and googled the possible causes and there’s a whole bunch of stuff — pancreatitis, close exposure to ionising radiation, rabies, pregnancy, serotonin disease and liver failure, to name but a few. My suspicion is it’s either rabies or pregnancy because I exhibit other symptoms common to both conditions, according to the internet. I cannot abide drinking water, for example, which suggests that I might be hydrophobic, a key indicator of rabies.