‘Dude Dies By Doing Stupid Crap With Fireworks, So Naturally We Must All Be Punished’

22 year old Devon Staples was drinking with his buddies on Independence Day, setting off fireworks, when he decided it would be a great idea to place a mortar on his head and light it.

He died instantly when it exploded.

His mom, Kathleen, naturally now wants the government to step in and further regulate fireworks, because her son was just “goofing off” and he thought the mortar was a dud, so apparently that means more government is necessary.  More warning labels or something.  Because how else would we know coffee is hot, you guys? Without government stepping in to tell us that coffee is hot, HOW WOULD WE EVER KNOW?

Likewise, how are people supposed to know, all by themselves, that putting a firework of any sort on your head is a bad idea?  HOW, I ask you?

Classic Onion: Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

  • BillyHW

    Shouldn’t mom have spent less time voting and more time teaching her son not to do stupid things?

  • favill

    This story reminds me of the parents who are now SJW’ing about their teen daughter’s death from concussion/head injury. The girl was played competitive rugy and had numerous head injuries and concussions. She died…and the parents now want rules to be put on the game….my question during all this was…”since they were her parents…why didn’t they stop her from playing rugby after the first concussion?” You don’t need some bureaucrat to make a rule about that. This case is somewhat similar…except for the fact that the man was over 21yrs of age and had been drinking. Essentially, an adult who should have known better or at least heeded his friends’ warnings to stop. Darwinism–is a b!tch.

  • MargaretCPettry

    Some New Features with blazingcatfur….. Go To Next Page

  • Surele Surele

    who said this: to get rid of stupid people, just stop putting warning labels on stuff? or something like this. but seriously, do we really need warning labels on HOT coffee, instructions how to wash hands in washrooms (this one offends me the most, whom should I sue?), and fireworks? Sheesh.

  • I love that Onion piece;)

  • Hard Little Machine

    The last 4 words in a dumb rednecks life are “Here, hold my beer”

  • mauser 98

    fireworks sales to public banned in NY State for many years..
    used to load up on the big stuff when going thru. M80 rockets and such

  • Jabberwokk

    The must destructive force in the universe: Male boredom.

  • Xavier

    This wouldn’t have happened under Sharia law.
    Correction: This won’t happen under Sharia law.

    Because if he was drinking they would have cut his head off before he could do something stupid like this.

    • mobuyus

      It does happen and it did happen. I had a Persian friend and he blew up a quarter city block back in his home town in iran. He mistook some military ordinance for fire works. He went virtually unpunished for this. He was however whipped for drinking beer. The whipping raised horrifying welts on his back.

      • Xavier

        Persian? Persian? What the hell is a Persian? And what sort of watered down Sharia do they practice wherever these “Persians” live? 😉

        • mobuyus

          Ok ok my friend was iranian and he was from iran, an islamic religious theocracy. He came to Canada and ditched islam and insisted he was Persian and not iranian. I know they hang queers and lash you for drinking beer and rape female virgins before they are executed. So I guess anything short of primer cord necklaces and head chopping and using cages to burn or drown culprits is watered down sharia.

  • ntt1

    my favorite anti stupidity warning is the huge red sticker on new step ladders warning ; Do not use on soft ground.

  • Dana Garcia

    A lot of these Darwin Award type behaviors involve copious drinking.

    I have noticed in my own life that too much of the noble liquid can increase stupid.

    But a guy using his head as a launchpad indicates he wasn’t that bright for starters.

  • Xavier

    I’ll just quote the first paragraph and you can decide whether you want to know more.

    HUNTINGTON, W.Va., Feb. 3 (UPI) — A West Virginia college student is suing a fraternity for negligence, claiming he fell off a deck because a bottle rocket went off in another student’s rectum.


  • Maggat

    Look, Charles Darwin stepped in and sorted this out, as he always will. Thank you Charles Darwin.

  • simus1

    If you are going to confuse a fireworks mortar launcher with a fireworks rocket launcher, he luckily choosed the one that was much less painful, and quicker too.